November 29, 2022

The Queens County Citizen

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Call for help: ‘I complain all the time’

Call for help: 'I complain all the time'

Someone complaining about anything and everything is offensive to those around you, but this attitude is often a call for help, along with a need for recognition.

Henry, in his early fifties, had long been a first-class wiener. “I don’t know about it, but everything in my life is an excuse for unhappiness and I express it out loud. In fact, I constantly tell myself that life goes on after me, that my situation is always worse and more problematic than others.

However, Henry has a steady job, a good salary, and he has children. “It was like a litany, I couldn’t see the bright side of things. In retrospect, I understand that I had a lot of self-confidence, but most of all, by complaining, I felt that it lessened my responsibility. If projects or things didn’t go the way I wanted, that was the end of life. Err, my companions, my entourage, but not mine.

Henry’s question came when his wife filed for divorce. His attitude wasn’t the main reason for the breakup, although that was on balance. “My ex-wife, with whom I have a good relationship, I understand that the constant complaining is a burden, but most of all it prevents me from moving forward and improving as a man.”

A healthy awakening

After questioning his children, who were teenagers at the time, he decided to consult a psychologist. “I don’t really have a problem, I’m just curious to see what he has to say to me. I’ve been moved since the first session.

“The tendency to complain expresses unhappiness, exhaustion, sadness, existential pain, even deep dissatisfaction,” explains psychologist Saverio Tomasella, author of the book. Calimero syndrome. Some people cannot communicate in any other way and are locked into this relational mode, which limits them immensely.

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However, those around these people play an important role in changing habits. “In repetition, they are right to consider that there is a huge exaggeration, but they help to establish a hierarchy among the reasons for complaints. It is a way of showing interest, but also of listening and understanding. Little by little, gaining confidence, the persistent complainers themselves discover the reasons for their moaning.

Stop complaining

For psychologist Luce Janin Devillars, “stopping complaining means starting by learning to say no”. We are responsible for our actions and results. Complaining is a way to clear oneself, to avoid taking one’s life into one’s hands.

By being aware of your problem, you are already taking the first step. One key to breaking this habit is to hold ourselves accountable for our emotions when faced with a situation. Finding the positive in every situation is a good start. This habit may take some practice, but it is the beginning of change.